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Hugh Bowen,
Bowen Research
winter, 2010
SOCIAL INTELLIGENCE, by Daniel Goleman…what about our brain?
Goleman divides the brain generally into two sections, the “high road,” the rational, and the “low road,” or the more emotional and instinctive. His key point, for me, is that our brain and it’s neural pathways mirror what happens in our social life. If we have strong and loving connections with other people, neural pathways in the brain grow and are strengthened; if not, the neural pathways can decline (p. 41, etc.). If the neural pathways atrophy, the ability to relate to others is greatly diminished. It appears we can literally forget how to love. Still, this impulse to care for others seems to be one of the most basic of all human feelings.
Sociability is demonstrably a survival mechanism. Studies show “that the most outgoing monkeys have the lowest levels of stress hormones, and stronger immune function, and – most important – that they are best able to approach, befriend, or challenge monkeys in the new troupe. These more sociable young monkeys are the ones most likely to survive.” (p. 56)
Our emotional experience is graven into our faces too. “… whenever we gaze at a photograph of someone whose face displays a strong emotion, like sadness, disgust, or joy, our facial muscles automatically start to mirror the others’ facial expression.” (p. 18) Hence the commonly observed phenomena of old married couples starting to look alike (and maybe the odd turn of events recently where I made a great choice for some lamps in our house, and my wife – randomly, it seemed to me – diagnosed a problem in our car).
The happier old married couples were, the more they looked alike (p. 218) – it was the loving face time they’d shared that changed their faces. Emailing won’t do that.
And the more strongly we feel the emotions in the other person, the more our facial expressions match theirs. If we really feel another’s terror, our face shows it. When people are very close, even their breathing will match (p. 31).
The “low road” can pick up fear on another person’s face – sometimes in less than two-hundredths of a second (p. 40). As Goleman writes, this likely is an ancient survival mechanism. When primitive man was out on a tiger hunt, sensing fear in the man close by might save your life.
What does it take to connect? Maybe just trying. “Intentionally paying more attention… Listening carefully, with undivided attention, orients our neural circuits for connectivity…” Not much like being a Fox News talking head, as I see and feel so often in myself. As we become more abrupt, I even find myself more chary of doing things for my most loved ones. I think what I’m doing, what I wanted to finish in the next five minutes, really shouldn’t be interrupted. Keep up with that thought, and you never want to be interrupted. I’ll ask if they can get the last things for supper, rather than just grabbing it myself. I just got on a plane, and the man, seemingly kindly, asked his female partner ahead of him if she would put his display case in the overhead. She replied, “no, I think I’ll let you do that.” Very polite, but you could feel the tension. Neither wanted to be bothered. It’s the sort of irritating thing I do way too often. We want what we want, when we want it, and don’t want anyone to get in the way (kind of a good definition of isolation).
How connected can we be? While I’m twitty at times, my wife and I, married 30 years, will sometimes start thinking of the same thing (a new topic), and both start talking about it at the same time. How can that happen? “There are more things in heaven and earth, Horatio, Than are dreamt of in your philosophy,” as the Bard would say.
Laughter and tears are triggered in the brain stem, the “oldest part of the brain (p 114) – so connecting emotionally with others is among our oldest abilities.
But, contrary to these connections, our high pressure society encourages and rewards narcissism. The narcissist is one who only cares about himself, and sees others only in terms of what they can do for him. “Michael Macoby, a psychoanalyst who has studied (and treated) narcissistic leaders, observes that the type has become increasingly common in the top echelons of business.”(p 119). Top executive pay, and the associated glamour, has gone through the roof, a mirror of what all of us are seeking. We want to feel important, have our cell phone calls answered the fastest, our tweets followed the most, and of course make the most money. None of which really warms the human heart.
The narcissist, of course, doesn’t care. Another key trait of the narcissist is that they don’t like criticism, and will go to some lengths to avoid it (makes me think of the Bush administration).
When the brain wears down, when the neural pathways for empathy are lessened, we eventually lose most of our capability to connect. If this were to happen to our entire culture, we’d be done. In the extreme case of psychopaths, they actually have little recognition of “fear or sadness on people’s faces or in their voices.” (p. 128). They just don’t get it, and brain imagery shows the blanks in their neural pathways.
When we start, we get many more neurons than we can use – then experience takes over. “Over the course of childhood and the teen years, the brain will selectively lose half of these overabundant neurons, keeping the ones that are used and dropping those that are neglected…” p. 157 “As neuroscientists like to say, cells that fire together, wire together.” (p. 157) Especially in a newborn, “the more often an experience repeats, the stronger the habit becomes and the denser the resulting neural connectivity.” (p. 157)
Failure to connect warmly with others “much research suggests, can have lasting effects… these patterns shape the social brain in ways that make one child grow up delighted with the world, affectionate… (and another) angry and confrontational.” (p. 159)
Which raises the terrifying prospect – could the human race over time lose it’s neural pathways that are required for intimacy? (well, maybe that would take a million years…)
But there’s time, for individuals, up to about the age of 25. “The circuits of the social brain for empathy and for regulating emotional impulses… are among the last parts of the human brain to gain anatomical maturity.” (p. 293) And, as a person, I would say that the human heart can be touched at any age.
When you connect, the brain will actually “secrete neurotransmitters that add a small bolt of pleasure to that feeling of being well loved.” (p. 164) Those “bolts” of pleasure keep us working to connect – and without them, we’re more likely to isolate.
If you’re not convinced yet, here are more medical impacts for being lovingly connected, or not. For men being treated for heart disease, those with the least emotional support had “40% more blockage.” (p. 224) “… data from a number of large epidemiological studies suggest that toxic relationships are as major a risk factor for disease and death as are smoking, high blood pressure, or cholesterol, obesity, and physical inactivity.” (p 224) Again, stop smoking, or get connected – seems like an easy choice. Yes, isolation is that serious.
Goleman makes a point that “loneliness” doesn’t have that much to do with the amount of time we spend alone, or the sheer number of our social contacts. Having some very close relationships is what we need. “What matters is the quality of our interactions in their warmth…”
Not only do we need to be together, we need to touch. Physical tough prompts oxytocin, “a stress hormone ‘down regulator.’” (p. 243) Touch lessens stress – so plugging in your iPod may not always be the best relaxer. Also, at a certain point stress leads to a decline in “mental efficiency and performance.” Stress not only lessens our joy, it can make learning more difficult (p. 271-3)
A study of the poorest neighborhoods in Chicago showed that crime, teen pregnancy, etc. was highly correlated with poverty – but also with social connectedness. Those neighborhoods with more social connections, though equally as poor – had much less crime. Obviously what happens on the individual and small group level sets the mode for the whole neighborhood.
Many studies have shown that the rich aren’t really happier (once a basic level of physical well being is achieved). Yet the Bachelor and the rest of the media smother us with the “rich life.” We just have to keep getting more things!
Princeton professor Daniel Kalneman calls this the “hedonic treadmill.” (p 311-312) In a study with a thousand American women, he found that their happiness was most determined by “the people with whom they spent their time – not their income, not job pressures, and not their marital status.” The top ranked things for their happiness:
Friends
Relatives
Spouse or partner
children
clients or customers and other work connections
When it comes to the actual layout of our “social brain,” scientists don’t fully agree (p. 324) on what part of the brain most determines our sociability. Yet they agree that it’s “circuitry that extends far and wide.” Just like our connections extend from us to our friends to the whole planet – strongly or weakly, for good or ill.
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